‹ Back

 

PANTY DROPPER

 

Just about an hour ago, I decided I'm going to go to the store and get some ice cream.  I get my Uggs on and look in the mirror.  Take a glance at my sideways silhouette and notice that my winter coat is showing more than I'd normally like.

My winter coat is just code for fat, or in my case an excuse to gain 10 lbs. during the winter months.  

I have leggings on, so you can see every chunk of blueberry in grave detail throughout my muffin top.  I decided that maybe I should put on my shapewear under these just to not feel so gross.  

I know what you’re thinking…shapewear?  Ice Cream?  Shut your mouth, we’ll deal with it in April.

I go into the bathroom, take my pants and underwear off, pee and then put on my shapewear, followed by my leggings.

I arrive at the store and about halfway through my little shopping trip I feel something on my inner thigh.  It's slowly making its way towards my knee.  I look down and see this weird bunched up something in my pants. 

"Oh, maybe that’s the dryer sheet."  I thought to myself.  I've done that before, so that would make sense.  I can't reach my hands that far down my pants in the middle of the frozen foods section.  Hello, I can't do that anywhere in the store because it's packed full of people.  So, I keep walking, and then this dryer sheet starts feeling different.  

I’m in the middle of the store trying to be sly and push this thing back up towards the crotch of my pants.  I figure if I can get it up there, I can hide whatever it is under my sweatshirt...but people are starting to look at me and wonder what I'm doing.  

I finally get it pushed up to where my sweatshirt can hide it and continue about my shopping but don't make it another half an aisle before I feel it again. 

"How the hell does this keep sliding down?" I asked myself.  I have never worn a loose pair of leggings in my life.  Outside of Yoga pants, I'm pretty sure they don't exist.  Every pair of leggings I have are so tight (yet so comfortable and flexible lol) that they look like they were painted on.  So, how in the hell is this dryer sheet thing even finding any room within them to travel anywhere?

Hiding behind a display of sodas at this point, I look down and notice that this thing in my pants is probably 4 times the size of a dryer sheet.  Then it clicked.

When I went to the bathroom at home to pee and put on my wanna be skinny gear, I yanked my pants and underwear off at the same time.  When I put my pants back on, I failed to remove (or put on) my underwear, trapping them somewhere inside my leggings. If this was something small, I wouldn't mind, but it literally looked like I was smuggling a hamster in my pants.

At this point in my shopping trip, I’ve messed with it so many times trying to conceal it that people are now starting to watch me.  It's bulging out the side of my knee.  

Fuck it, I'm now done shopping.  I get to the checkout counter and the cashier in the lane next to me looks at me, then my pants, then me again and just remains locked on me the entire time I'm checking out. 

I finished checking out and now am walking to my car looking like I have some sort of disability because I don't want to separate my legs at all to expose this weirdly shaped bulge in my pants.

I get home and immediately take my pants off.  Yup, it was my wadded-up underwear crawling its way down my leg.

Sometimes I swear, I shouldn’t be able to leave the house unless I’m on a leash and after peak shopping hours.