‹ Back

 

DEAL WITH IT

 

A piece of advice for everyone (and by everyone I primarily mean my exes):

Deal with your shit...or as I like to say, "Own your shit."  Before you decide to bring anyone into your life, on any level, deal with (or own) your shit.  Quit lying to everyone; your friends, your family and most importantly yourself.  Understand your dysfunctions, your traumas, your wounds, your self-destructing behaviors and habits, your inability to take accountability for your actions and the results of them, and of course your false perception of who you really are.

DEAL WITH IT.

Become more self-aware.  Spoiler alert!  This part will come with some gut-wrenching honesty, so be prepared.

Here's a little tip from someone who has owned their shit: If you have yet to own yours, DO NOT bring someone into your life that has already owned theirs.

YOU WON'T LIKE IT.

People who have owned their shit will see yours from miles away.  Why?  Game recognize game.  They might even let you continue to do it, but eventually they’re going to call you out on it.  When they do, you're not going to like it.  They won't be doing it maliciously, to intentionally cause you pain, hurt your feelings or to be mean.  They will do it because they care. They know how soul-freeing and life-changing it is when you finally decide to be real with yourself.  However, if you’re not ready to own your shit, and are still playing the victim role, all you’re going to take from the experience with someone who has will be negative.

People that have really owned their shit have nothing to hide because they have already faced, and now comfortably reside next to, their inner demons.  By doing so, they have hurt themselves far more than any person on the planet can do.  They’re finally at a point in their life where they truly don’t give a shit what you think of them because they know who they are and are at peace with it. You can judge them, take them, leave them, love them, hate them…and regardless of which you choose to do, they’re going to be ok with it. They are no longer out to impress anyone.  They won’t entertain bullshit from anyone, and they are very black and white in their communication style.  They will tell you EXACTLY how they feel, leaving no room for interpretation.

These people can, and will, recognize those that haven’t owned their shit from a single conversation and what is taken from it.  What I mean is that the shit owners, because of their very black and white personality, will tell you exactly what they mean.  If the non-shit owners take from that conversation ANYTHING other than exactly what was said, we’ll know you haven’t owned your shit. We’ll know because they will draw their own conclusions, add assumptions, etc. These people exhibit low self-worth, which is what causes the assumptions to occur.  Low self-worth is a direct result of some form of guilt, shame or embarrassment.

Believe it or not, there is a difference between all of those.  I’ll explain:

• Guilt is caused by the awareness that one has performed, might perform, has been, or could be the beneficiary of an action or inaction that has caused or could cause harm or inequality to another person.
• Shame is a negative self-evaluation in the face of a behavior, thought or feeling that is fundamentally incongruent with one’s self-conception.  Shame is felt within one’s own self and is not outwardly shown to others.  Shame will cause individuals to withdrawal, place blame and lash out at others.  This is a defense mechanism of someone who is shameful.
• Embarrassment is an awareness of loss of esteem or face due to having been witnessed committing some error, accident or faux pas.  Unlike shame or guilt, embarrassment 100% requires an audience.  Embarrassment is also transitional, meaning you’ll get over it quickly.  Typically, people who are embarrassed will take less accountability for the action that caused the feeling of embarrassment and focus more on the feeling itself.

I tell people all the time, “I will know whether or not I want to be your friend within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.”  The typical response when I say that is, “You’re a bitch. That’s judging a book by its cover.  You’re not giving them a chance.”  Well, the fact is I am giving them a chance.  Although people do with me, I don’t expect them to divulge their darkest inner secrets to me, but I do expect them to be honest.   We just met.  We’re only exchanging small talk.  If I notice deception in that minor conversation, that just shows me that it’s that easy for them to deceive. I’m too old for that shit.

That and despite people’s initial impression of me, I’m not dumb.  Not only am I not dumb, but my intuition far exceeds the norm. So, I’m not just listening to you, I’m intentionally asking questions that will give me insight into your character. I’m reading your body language and mannerisms, but more than all of that, I can feel your energy.

Let me give you an example of what I mean:

Say I’m having a conversation with someone, and I say to them, “I see you watered the grass today.”

Someone that has owned their shit, and took from that sentence exactly what was intended for the taking will respond with something like, “Yup, sure did!”  or “Thanks for noticing.”  End of story.  Why? Because not only are they very black and white, but their subconscious didn’t trigger any guilt, shame or embarrassment which would have led to an assumption.

On the other hand, if you say that same grass watering comment to someone who is lying or not owning their shit, not only will their physical response tip you off (i.e. knitted brow, scoffing or any other negative physical reaction), you would get an answer similar to this: "Well you said I watered the grass today, so I assumed you meant I was a piece of shit because I know that all people that water their grass are pieces of shit."

Now, the only time that would be an acceptable answer is if we were taking a 5^th grade math quiz (if all hobbles are wobbles and all wobbles are toggles that must mean all hobbles are toggles kind of shit). Then that answer might suffice, but we’re not. Although, that might be a good indication that you’re quite possibly dealing with someone who has the maturity of a 5^th grader.

Anywho….I am not saying that people that have owned their shit are perfect.  In fact, they are far from. The difference between shit owners and non shit owners is that the shit owners are aware of, and admitted and tried to rectify their flaws, fuck ups, whatever.  They aren’t out to impress anyone and usually don’t care much about their social status.  They know that they can’t go back and change anything they’ve done and realize that all those things are what made them the person they are today.  These people are dangerous though.  During their shit owning process, they hurt themselves WAY more than you ever could, so they have an almost superpower invincibility to them.

This the shit owning process also has a direct effect on relationships, regardless of whether they are intimate or platonic.

In my opinion (by no means am I a license therapist or anything related), there are 3 types of relationships (again, intimacy level doesn’t matter):

1. Relationship number 1 - 2 people that have owned their shit (whether they owned it while together or not is irrelevant).  This type of relationship will survive ANYTHING, nuclear holocaust included.  This is because they have addressed, owned and dealt with their demons, or as they’re calling it now, have done their “shadow work.” They have nothing to hide and are 100% honest with themselves and each other.  They are aware of each other’s flaws and/or shortcomings and are still side by side.  This pair is unstoppable.  The epitome of (and I REALLY hate this term because what it means to me is not what it means to anyone else) Ride or Die.  If I had to guess, this only makes up about 10% of the relationships in the world.
2. Relationship number 2 is between 2 people that have NOT owned their shit.  This relationship is about 80% superficial and 20% genuine.  There are some true, genuine feelings, some may even say “love,” but in this relationship, both parties have held back feelings, thoughts, etc. These relationships are full of insecurities, lack honesty on so many levels and include some degree of deception and lies (omission is a form of betrayal).  In my opinion this is where most relationships lie and if I had to guess, I’d say that 80% of the world’s relationships are in this category.
3. Relationship number 3 is between one person that has owned their shit and one that hasn’t (this would be my case).  This relationship is a 50/50 shot of being on either of the extreme sides of the spectrum.  This relationship will either be spiritually awakening on so many levels or so toxic that it will scar you for life.  That will all depend on both parties.  It will depend on the patience of the person that has owned their shit and their willingness to attempt to have person number 2 own theirs.  It will also depend on whether the person who hasn’t owned their shit is wanting and ready to do so.

Again, this advice comes only from my personal experience, and no licensing or schooling of any kind.  If you decide to take my advice, you do so at your own risk…and of course, always seek real advice from a  licensed medical practitioner before doing anything.  I’m not suggesting anyone try this, I’m merely sharing my experience and beliefs.  I truly believe that if you want a relationship to work, then make sure it falls into the first category of relationship number one listed above.  The only way to get to that point:

DEAL WITH IT!